2009 Highlights

When Didi Reardon, managing partner of the newly formed Reardon Anderson law firm (whose motto is “When you slip and fall, we’re who they call”) informed one of her new associates, Tommy, that he could not attend Final Fore 2009 until he helped get her new business off the ground, it originally appeared that this last-minute mandate would screw up the pairings and format for the now-famous annual golf tournament. But looking back, Reardon’s absence probably had the second greatest positive impact on Final Fore 2009 … second only to a burly Russian Olympic swimmer we would come to know only as Sergei.

Thanks to savvy negotiating by Jeff Brown, the Ritz Carlton Tiburon Black Course hosted the 12th annual Founders Cup scramble tournament to kick off Final Fore 2009. It was also there that two Golf Channel knock-offs were born: The Mike Heaney Project and the Rick Smith Golf Academy. The Mike Heaney Project, a take-off on the Hank Haney Project, involved Mike Heaney going from a 30 handicap to scratch in a matter of 4.5 hours. As well, PGA professional Rick Smith runs his golf academy at the Ritz Carlton Resort where Tiburon is located, so it was no surprise that our own Rick Smith used this as an opportunity to show off his own golf teaching abilities.

The Black Course made for a great venue for the Final Fore’s Founders Cup Scramble. The team of Rob Lewis, PGA teaching professional Rick Smith and Jeff Brown emerged victorious in the scramble, taking the title with a blazing 64, 5 strokes clear of their next closest competitor. After the round, the players watched from the balcony of Sydney’s Pub as the only drops of rain all weekend fell down on the course while they enjoyed a “Reardon Tailgate.” Inside, the Doctor was purchasing the best “pulling gear” the Tiburon pro shop had to offer. That pulling gear would come in handy later that evening in downtown Naples, a/k/a Cougar Town, where Manny Being Manny’s limousine service escorted the lads around town. After a pit stop for a few beverages at Handsome Harry’s, the players made their way to a few other bars before retiring for the night to prepare for the Ryder Cup.

Team Gordo had jumped out to an early 3-0 lead thanks to his team occupying the top 5 individual spots in the NCAA pool … the first time in tournament history that one team had so dominated the NCAA picks portion of the event. Even novice basketball follower John Holland put forth some spectacular selections to earn a higher individual ranking than other traditionally strong basketball prognosticators such as the Doctor and Joe Palumberi.

Before teeing off in the Skins match on the first day at Vasari (a course whose name quickly changed to “I’m Sorry”), Wayne-O sought to buy the loyalty and commitment of his players with a sparkling new bright red Team Canada hat, and his players were impressed. Captain Gordo showed up with nothing but a couple of broken tees in his pocket and immediately his leadership skills were being questioned by the other side. “Not my leadership style,” said Gordo. “I don’t buy my players’ loyalty and commitment through gifts or trinkets. In fact, if you thrive on that, I don’t want you on my team. Loyalty comes from leadership and performance on the golf course.” Team Gordo promptly went out and, despite a 2-1 victory by Gordo/Holland over Yakich/Palumberi, lost the Day 1 Skins matches 7-2 thanks to two sweeps on the other side of the ledger (Lewis over DeRosa and Smith/Heaney over Williams/Brown), swinging the matches to 7-5 in favor of Team Wayne-O.

The players had retired to the Holland Hacienda to watch the NCAA semi-final games when there was a knock on the door – a knock that would change the course of Final Fore history forever. At the door stood a 6’ 2’’ barrel-chested Russian named Sergei who had arrived to collect a $30 debt from John Holland. J-Ho had conveniently decided to make a pit stop so he wasn’t there when the Russian mafia arrived. Conveniently, it gave Sergei an opportunity to tell those who were there about his victory in his club championship earlier that day, the gold medal in swimming he won in the Olympics in 1988 and how the Russian hockey team had defeated Canada in the famous 1972 Summit Series (at least that’s how TASS reported it on TV in the gulag using a Chex table-hockey stick figurine to show the winning goal be scored). After a few more laughs with Yakoff Smirnoff, the players headed outside for the first-ever 100-Yard Closest the Pin Contest.

The 11 participants (including Sergei) stepped to the 100-yard marker and began taking turns firing shots at the pin. Mike Heaney, fresh off his 69 from the tips at Tiburon in the one-man scramble earlier that day, hit the green, prompting Sergei to step up and try to beat him. Despite playing with DeRosa’s wedge that was clearly three degrees off, Sergei put forth a fair effort but he will go down in the Final Fore record books with an 0-1 record. Rob Lewis, always dangerous from that distance, ended up winning the pot, despite the shot heard round the world when Gordo hit the flag on the fly (his only good shot of the weekend).

The night wound down with Gordo securing the first place title in the NCAA pool thanks to the UNC victory and a poker game won by Rob Lewis. While the guys played Texas Hold’em, Spider hung around and cleaned up the kitchen, mixed drinks for the players and otherwise kept the house in order.

Team Wayne-O took their 7-5 lead into day 2 back to the Tiburon Course. Clad in their red-and-black hats, Team Wayne-O looked fancy but would they leave their golf games back at the Holland Day Inn? Despite trailing by 2, Captain Gordo was not worried about the deficit – after the inspiration provided by the Russian Rocket the prior evening, Gordo left his troops on the first tee with one inspirational thought: “Every shot, every putt, every stroke, ask yourself ‘What Would Sergei Do?’”

That inspiration became the team’s motto and proved to be the difference on Sunday – in the morning matches, Team Gordo won 5.5-3.5, with DeRosa/Brown skunking Palumberi/Heaney and the wily Brit, John Holland, taking two from Doctor Rick Smith. Gordo/Williams mustered only .5 points against Yakich/Lewis, but combined the points were enough to square the overall score going into the afternoon matches. After lunch at Sydney’s Pub, Team Gordo went out on the Tiburon Gold course and put an old fashioned whooping on Team Wayne-O – reuniting old high school buddies, DeRosa/Williams skunked Yakich/Heaney, while Gordo blanked Palumberi 3-0, and Holland/Brown salvaged a point against Lewis/Smith. After Day 2, Team Gordo had swung the lead back in their favor by 5 points, 17.5-12.5.

That evening, in Final Fore’s own version of Top Chef, the Italian Stallions (DeRosa and Palumberi) cooked like only the Italians can, preparing a fine meal of steak, baked potatoes, and salad with all the fixings for the lads. It was generally agreed this was one of the best, if not the best, meals in Final Fore history. This feast kept the poker players’ stomachs full for another night of Texas Hold’em, with DeRosa taking home the title at the championship table on the second night.

A five-point deficit is not insurmountable in the Final Fore Ryder Cup format. In fact, it can be completely erased in the morning matches, where 9 points are available. Captain Wayne, fresh out of inspirational trinkets, had to rely on some other method to inspire his team at Heritage Bay. His pep talk brought the results he needed, as both his two-man teams in the morning scramble won 2-1 (Palumberi-Smith and Lewis- Heaney). Only his own 2-1 loss to Williams in the singles matches kept him from bringing the teams dead even.

The morning matches were highlighted by Gordo’s near-death experience while trying to play a shot within chomping distance of an alligator. Fearing he’d be attacked and dragged into the pond to be devoured, he flailed at the ball next to the alligator then scampered back onto the green and shortly thereafter succumbed to either heat stroke or an anxiety attack. In either case, he and Jeff Brown managed to hold on and secure one point to keep the overall match score at 21.5-17.5 going into the final singles matches.

While the players travelled from Heritage Bay over to the Bedrock Country Club (a/k/a the Quarry), Gordo appeared to be battling a severe case of heat stroke. Or was he? There was speculation in the media that no such heat stroke existed, but rather Gordo was feigning the illness to somehow inspire his team to victory a la “win one for the Gipper.” While the players ate, Gordo slept on the couch in the locker room and finally emerged ready to play the singles matches in hopes of winning his first Green Jacket.

The list of members of The Quarry Golf Club is almost too long to list –from Mr. Slate to Joe Rockhead to Mr. Loudrock to Weirdly Gruesome to Gus Gravel to Parry Masonary to Ann Margrock. It’s hosted its share of famous tournaments, from the Slate Rock and Gravel Open to the Prinstone University Collegiate Championships to the Bedrock City Cup. So it made perfect sense that The Quarry would be the host site for the final day of singles matches.

Trailing by 4, Team Wayne-O needed to strike quick to try to make up some ground, but Gordo sent out his guns early and the Brit J-Ho swept Rob Lewis 3-0 and later DeRosa took down the Doctor 2.5-.5, essentially locking up the Green Jacket for Team Gordo. Gordo indeed suffered the effects of the heat stroke when he fell 3-0 to Wayne, but it didn’t matter – Jeff Brown and Dave Williams each secured enough points in their respective matches to clinch the victory and the Green Jacket for Team Gordo.

But there was no Green Jacket for Team Gordo. In between preparing legal files and answering phones, Reardon was not able to get the Green Jacket Fedexed to the Palumberi’s in time for the jacket presentation … or so we thought. He had proof of delivery (or so he claimed) but there was no jacket to be found. There was speculation that Sergei had taken the jacket as quid quo pro for the debt owed to him by J-Ho. Nonetheless, Joe scrambled around his house to find it, and it finally turned up as the players were being shuttled to the traditional Champions dinner at the local steak house (which dinner was not nearly as good as when DeRosa/Palumberi cooked or us). At dinner, the conversation largely centered around a reality show based on the Final Fore and which actor would play which participant in the event. DeNiro would play DeRosa, Nicholas Cage would play Jeff Brown, Sean Connery would play John Holland, Joe Pesci would play Dave Williams, Leslie Nielsen would play Wayne, Decaprio would play Gordo … etc. It went on for hours until the bill came and, in the time-honored tradition, was paid for by the Champions, dividends were paid out to the winners and the teams retired to the Holland Hacienda to watch the final basketball game of the year.

It was later that evening that we found Sergei still holding his breath at the bottom of John’s pool, seeking to establish a new Guinness World Record.

Final Fore 2010 – mark your calendars!