2003 Highlights

Final Fore 2003 picked up where Final Fore 2002 left off, with a dispute over a parlor game. The Virginia contingent had not been on the ground 20 minutes when Goudie and Wabschall (adversaries in the "2s in baseball" incident) were once again embroiled in controversy, this time joining forces in a dispute with rookie Alan "Stirred, not Shaken" Kittson over house rules for eight-ball on the Mayor's pool table. Mr. Martini cautioned that the Goudie/Wabschall rules were the kind that "guys got their asses kicked over in bars." Wabschall, however, was quick to point out that in fewer than 33% of the cases, his eight-ball rules had not resulted in his getting his ass kicked in bars (and he presented a Powerpoint with accompanying backup data to prove it, updated to include this most recently averted ass-kicking). With that, cooler tempers prevailed ... but only for the first night.

The traditional 4-man scramble format that had defined the Mayor's Cup since inception was abandoned this year ... for one team. And oddly, in the closest Mayor's Cup in history, the team with five looks at every putt beat the other teams that only had four. The 5-some of Yakich, Heaney, Kolinski, Walker and Jim Crowe won the 4-man scramble under protest with a score of -10, edging out three teams at -9. The Mayor presented the winning team with a new piece of hardware, a real Mayor's Cup courtesy of Masino's Fine Pewter Works, and the winning team proceeded to treat it like the Stanley Cup, sipping Coors Light from its hallowed bowl. Regrettably there was only room for four names on the cup, but room enough for an asterisk to go along side the winners' names. At the post-Mayor's Cup celebration, Houdini Wabschall made quarters disappear from the palms of Hooters waitresses and prevailed in "stump the fry cook" as mesmerized rookie Greg Kolinski looked on with amazement (ahh, rookies).

His record as a Final Fore captain unblemished (excluding of course the year of the "Ted Tie"), South Captain Joe Palumberi rallied his troops by presenting them with a red Team South golf hat prior to the first tee-off. Not to be out-done, newly minted South Captain Greg DeRosa responded by offering to buy a lap dance for each North team member as his token of inspiration. DeRosa's indecent proposal inspired the North to an early 6-3 lead on the strength of a 2-1 win by Champion/Reardon over Walker/Goudie and a 3-0 sweep by Yakich/Heaney over Brenneman/Wabschall. Yakich/Heaney were not at all fooled by Wabschall's slight of hand by which Mark was able to make his own ball disappear into a pond on 5 successive holes. In a stunning display of sportsmanship, Wayne came to Andy's defense as he stood in front of the 18th tee at St. Andrew's while playing #10 - "he's deaf, he's deaf" Wayne yelled at the angry foursome screaming for naught at Andy to move out of the 175-yard wide fairway. It was the only time Andy was in the fairway all day. The first day's matches left the North holding a 7.5-4.5 lead. Chuck's Steakhouse once again served as the venue for the evening dinner and starting point for extracurricular activities. As the group debated the next stopping point, Kittson asked Yakich, "so, what do you think about this idea of going to look at naked women?" Yakich, in Roy Munson-like fashion, deadpanned "I'm fer it." And so the night went on.

Despite the North's Day 1 lead, South captain Palumberi was confident his troops would carry the day, so much so that he paired one-time rivals Kushner and Masino in his first group out against Reardon/Yakich in Team Match Play. The unlikely merger of Team Canada and Team Philly, a sort of Philly Cheesesteak with a Molson chaser, if you will, did not disappoint, taking 2 of 3 points on the strength of a 6-hole run culminating in a back-breaking birdie putt by the Canadian on the 14th hole (an omen of success for another skilled Canadian golfer the following week). Goudie/Brenneman dazzled against Kittson/Williams, thanks to a Brenneman hot streak and despite catcalls from the gallery about Goudie's glacial pace of play. Chirped Chen, "If you really think you aren't slow, just ask everyone else ... I guarantee the vote will be 15-1 against you." The results of a secret ballot on this topic will be revealed at next year's Final Fore, but Chen has indicated he will put all of the "hole-in-one" pool money on it. Palumberi/Hauptman took down this year's best dressed Champion and his mundanely dressed partner Heaney ("There would be too much racial tension if both of us were being called �Knicker Boy' down here" claimed Heaney). The South went on to nearly sweep the morning events, but a gnat on Mark Wabschall's golf bag sneezed just as Kolinski blinked while seated in his golf cart, both clearly in the line of sight of Ray Walker as he sized up a 3-foot putt - Walker pushed the putt, allowing DeRosa/Kolinski to take 2.5 points. The South took 8.5 of 12 points, leaving the score at 13-11 South going into the afternoon Stableford matches.

The Final Fore had never had a round rained out in its storied history, but the advancing thunderstorms were not a good omen ... for the tournament or the North. In a drizzling afternoon rain, the South plodded along, winning 9 of 12 points in the Stableford format. The light afternoon drizzle brought the first whispers that Reardon harbored ill feelings about being stripped of his captaincy ... despite being down by only a few Stableford points at the turn, he withdrew from his match with Goudie/Hauptman and conceded three points to the South, drawing the ire of his replacement, DeRosa. While his teammates battled on through the rain and cold, Reardon was seen lounging in the Ocean Ridge pub downing pitchers of beer with members of Team South, smoking cigars and musing about the warm conditions in the pub ("it's like a sauna in here"). Walker/Brenneman routed DeRosa/Williams 3-0, and Kittson/Kolinski took the only North victory, sweeping Masino/Wabschall. Yakich/Champion too had conceded their match, but more justifiably after Palumberi/Kushner built an insurmountable lead after 9 holes and Palumberi had snapped his 3-iron (and nearly his wrist) on the 12th hole. Little did the South know but this injury to their leader would pale in comparison to the sacrifice he would ask one of his own soldiers to make the following day. After Day 2, the score was 22-14 in favor of the South.

The troops rose for the announcement of the Captain's Choice pairings for the much-anticipated, first ever mano y mano individual match play in Final Fore history. With the South capable of locking up the Final Fore by the noon hour, there was much haggling between DeRosa and Palumberi over the pairings the night before at the Legend's Pub. When the pairings were announced Monday, everyone relished the chance to go one-on-one for their team ... except for Hauptman, who was paired with Chen, someone he saw as a clearly superior, although shorter, golfer to him. Hauptman approached captain Palumberi and said, "I can't beat Chen." The stoic captain, once again showing the leadership that has made him the most storied Final Fore leader in tournament history, stared blankly and said: "Steve, this is war ...and in war, there will be casualties. I recognize that. Now go out and take one for the team." Rookie Hauptman, a tear in his eye but pride in his heart, followed orders and was swept 3-0 ... but his sacrifice would not go lost on his teammates. Masino pummeled Reardon 3-0, and again Reardon was dodging accusations of throwing the match after he conceded with two holes to go. Wabschall performed more prestidigitation, making his ball disappear into the 18th hole to prevail 2.5-.5 over Heaney. Captain Palumberi played through the pain to take 2.5 points from Champion, whose rain slicker was voted best new addition to the wardrobe. And much like the Civil War, which pitted brother against brother, Kushner took down Yakich 3-0. In all, the South prevailed 13.5-10.5 in the singles matches. With that, the Final Fore was clinched by the South, and perhaps just in time.

With Doppler calling for t-storms all afternoon, the Moorland course besieged by water and the Final Fore essentially in the books for the South, first-year captain DeRosa conferred with Palumberi and conceded the afternoon matches. "I had to concede the match - if I didn't you know Reardon would have," said DeRosa, still miffed at Reardon's questionable concession of matches all weekend. Desperado's once again was the venue for the Champion's dinner where a large bottle of Heineken was presented to Captain Palumberi by General Andrew Smith in honor of the South's victory. Thanks to the two finalists of the NCAA portion of the pool, Wabschall (the ultimate winner) and General in Abstentia Steve Poole, who both offered to contribute a portion - albeit a disputed portion - of their winnings to our fine repast.

Final Fore 2003 will hopefully be remembered for the many records that were set or broken, rather than the adverse playing conditions ... most points contributed to his team (Palumberi - 10.5), least points contributed to his team (Reardon - 3), most points contributed by a rookie (Kolinski - 9), most martinis consumed in a 2-hour period (Kittson - 7), fanciest team shirts (Champion and DeRosa), most new magic tricks (Wabschall - 14), widest peripheral vision (Walker - 357 degrees), greatest display of bravery (Hauptman) and longest pre-shot routine (Goudie).

As was noted at the Champions' Dinner by one observer, glancing around the table of 16 ill-assembled golfers, everyone in someone's face, "Coming here year after year, I've come to realize that at any moment, almost any one of these guys could snap."

It's the possibility that one of them might in fact snap that keeps us all coming back --- Final Fore 2004, April 2-6, 2004.